Rational terms?
Once structure is re-introduced into life, it is hard not to realise how out of control you actually are. I relish being back in an academically challenging environment, but there’s just something horribly empty about the way the rest of my life reflects back at me. It’s strange, how carefully applied eyeliner and a dash of blusher can hide all your problems, when all you actually feel inside is this hollow thrum of aching disorder. I feel as though I could probably carry on forever, hiding my burden under half-acceptable aesthetically considered masks, walking through the shadows so as not to get burned by the harsh light of confrontation. All it takes is for one flicker of recognition – the shining eyes, the knuckles bitten and worn – and suddenly, they’re trying to take my shadows away, blinding me with the so-called light of normality. It doesn’t work like that. Jolted into reality, the pain is only amplified into an unbearable intensity which is all too conducive to relapse, as soon as possible, please.
In an attempt to contain oneself – too intense, too emotional, just simply TOO MUCH – one opens the door to unseen tortures and hollowed out personalities, all inflicted by the most powerful influence of all in one’s life.
The self.
